gluten-free

Been bread-free and nearly dairy-free for a few weeks now. Success!, on my way to a Paleo diet. But why does good news Feel So Sad? And Hungry? i feel like i'm breaking up with Pizza. Although i love Pizza, we just cant be together right now.  It pains me; I can't even bare to look at a pie. I already deleted all Pizza's speed-dial restaurants from my phone. I burned all the menus but my favorite one, and stashed it in my bottom desk drawer (underneath random paperwork and next to a photo of my party days). Even though i know i can't order, it makes me feel better to atleast have the number. it's like the ex-smokers who keep a spare pack, to prove their self restraint. Let me convince myself it is self-restraint (but i know it's for emergency cravings). But, Alas! For now, Pizza- Now you're just a food group that i used to know.........


Hehe. i had to......... This diet is for my Lyme or i'd be eating pizza right now.No processed sugar or much fruit, bread, or dairy... ideally, anway. i'm nowhere near there now but one step at a time. Chronic Lyme Exists, and it's damn hard to get rid of. atleast i have an excuse to switch to asian cuisine :)

Happy Valentines Day!

I've been going steady with my lover MaryJane for about 7 years and I still can't believe how happy she makes me, how creative, how alive. I'm in love I'm in love and I don't care who knows it! Today is a day for lovers, and as a romantic i'd like to pay tribute to my lover, my muse, with a [parody] sonnet. Rick James sings it well, "I'm in love with Mary Jane, She's my main thang. She makes me feel alright, she makes my heart sing." I love my girl, but, also, she's Sexy As F*ck.

_________________________________________

Reinvented Landscape

To the neglected flower in nature—

The sight of her specimen makes me drunk

With desire, for her bud is so pure.

She cloths in crystals, so lavishly funk,

Still hiding her best gems keeping demure.

Better than a rose, she smells like a skunk!

A sticky touch- I cannot fight her lure.

Other grass may be greener, but she’s a red-haired punk!

To my love, my lust, my dear Mary Jane,

I shall forever protect your esteem.

You have burned your way into my brain,

Given unto me my wildest dream.

Slow this rapid world, discern all I see;

Addiction has set me free.

______________________________

Love You Babe,
                       Al

_______________________________________________________


this was inspired in part by Michael Pollan's The Botany of Desire (i love love love this book). .... Does this make me a lesbian? ;)

Myth as Truth and Bible as Myth

               In a world where religion seems at the forefront of corruption, it can be hard to find any truth behind manipulated words. Now is not the time to discuss exploitation of religious doctrine within organized religion across the world, and I also don’t mean to step on anybody’s toes here. Actually, I believe religious doctrine has insight into some universal truth, but I think it is unfortunate it is used to promote hate. It can be confusing especially because we live in a world that likes to dismantle the stories as being implausible, and therefore untrue. Obviously the words don’t ring literal truths, but on a symbolic level they are far-reaching, and I frequently find similarities between completely un-related doctrine from the most random of cultures. Mythology is another word for religion, because people believed in these stories, just as people believe in the bible. Myths were used to explain the world without science. On a symbolic level, they describe human truths that are innate. In particular, Creation stories are similar in their birth imagery, where earth and water (feminine) meets the sky (masculine) and life is created after 7 months/days/years (a long mothafuckin’ time ago gestation—pregnant lady- was only 6 or 7 months). I will spare you that lecture and try to put it in terms that we all may be somewhat familiar with- Genesis Adam and Eve.

Adam and Eve story as a myth about human development-

            Because many of the stories in the Bible contradict each other when look at from a literal point of view, it was most likely intended to be read as a collection of favored stories; they are myths, what Campbell calls the truest of stories because they reflect and explore our inner sentiments so we can better understand our self. Since the story of Adam and Eve logically contradicts Genesis I (God creates man and woman at the same time on the 6^th day), it better reflects a myth about human development. The story of creation tells the birth of life, earth, and more specifically, when humans are born. The next story chronologically coincides with this notion; Adam and Eve is a metaphor for human growth from childhood into maturity.

            God’s relationship to Adam and Eve parallel and reflect a relationship between parents and their children. God first creates man, placing him in the Garden of Eden and providing him with comfort and food but warns him, “from the tree of knowledge, good and evil, you shall not eat,” (Genesis 2). Here God sounds like a parent telling their child not to touch the hot stove, or not to press that big red button, with pure intentions but nonetheless making it a tempting thought. God then creates woman. They live like infants in the comfort of a parent’s (God’s) house (Garden of Eden), being taken care of, fed, and running about naked without shame. 

Chapter 3 begins with the image of the serpent. The symbol of the serpent dates back to ancient times, representing nature, rebirth and the cycle of life because of the snake’s ability to shed its skin and appear as a new body. The snake speaks to woman, telling her “your eyes will be opened” for eating fruit of the tree of knowledge. The snake symbolizes the life cycle, and it is leading Eve into maturity. The fruit is sexuality- apple-like fruits are an old symbol of sensuality; Eve is on the eve of puberty. Eve remembers God’s warning, “for on the day you eat from it, you are doomed to die,” (G1). If she eats the fruit she is doomed to die because she is beginning a new process of reproduction and moving into a new stage of life. At this stage of life we develop our self consciousness, and idea borrowed from the Epic of Gilgamesh (1^st epic ever, dude) in which Enkidu (the dudeliest of dudes raised in the wilderness) is made ‘civilized’, made self conscious, by the Harlot (revered prostitute, sexy times). The references to opening eyes are not meant to be literal, but a symbol of coming into self consciousness. Adam and Eve eat the fruit, meaning they have sex, causing them know they were naked and feel embarrassed, thus a sign of coming into self consciousness.

With maturity and the end of childhood comes responsibility. God shows up and realizes what has happened. He responds by punishing snake, woman, and man. To women he gives ‘the curse’ of menstruation, which is also a sign of coming into womanhood. She becomes ruled by man, though it is she who is the giver of life for accepting the apple. Man must now work the land to eat, or work to provide for himself. When God expels Adam and Eve from the Garden of Eden, He mimics a parent telling his offspring, ‘Under my roof you will live by my rules. You want to live your own life? Go get a job and take care of yourself!’ God’s last statement, “for dust you are/ and to dust shall you return,” reflects that they are mortal, and becoming part of the reproductive cycle brings you closer to death, and certainly the death of naïve freedom from responsibility. With the knowledge of self consciousness, man and woman are left to make their own lives, and ends with a sense of individualism. Therefore, it was necessary for Eve to eat the apple for humankind to gain individuality and grow up, or else they would stay stuck in a childlike state. Hence Eve as the “giver of life”.

So what does this all mean? I don’t have an answer for you, but for me- well, I think it gives me hope. There are things in this world that are sacred, have always been and always will be. It’s beautiful, really..

[I don’t want anyone to be mistaken, I am not a Bible scholar, nor have I ever even taken a theology course, or even any sort of Bible course. However, as a literature major you come across all sorts of religion, whether it is Greek Mythology or Catholicism.]

Assorted Streams?

kinda sorts some streams-of-consciousness. just wrote what i felt. mainly about lyMe dis-ease

           Washed

It's like I'm seventeen nautical miles into
A twenty-two nautical mile race
The open ocean splashing my boat
Wind whipping up white caps
Blistered hands and bloody oars
Almost Empty but Almost There
Don't wanna get too excited and
Burn up my tank
Just maintian 3/4 power
No scale but my soul
I just gotta keep on pushin'
One stroke at a time.
I'll get there.


When I look in the mirror
                   I see the color coming back to my face.
______________________________________________________________

You know what makes me feel
     good?

That,
            underneath it all,

I'm wearing knee-high lime green wool socks.
_____________________________________________________

this one is about dementia caused from late-stage lyme disease, but more vaguely the addictive quality of bad habits:

              TICK

Fact: Clinging to what seems to be
                                            the only way.

There's no way out but in These habits are creeping,
Creeping and haunting Oh so subtly in the backdrop.

Because there are things about ourselves
                                       that we do not like,

But we do them anyway. Tendency
Toward the easy way out can be, well,
All too easy. And who's to blame? We are
Wired for comfort & if that's the way it is
Then that's the way it goes...
Besides, we've all got a lot on our minds.


Escape

      That
           Thing.
Compulsion. Grasping it. Loving it.
Wondering why We would want anything more,


Every once in a while
     We imagine and itch on the thick of our skins.
What is that itch?
______________________________________________________________

All I can do is all I can do
Is all I can do
Is
   all
       I
         can
               do.
What can I do?
_________________________________________________________________________

Because There Are Things About OurSelf
                                             We Do Not Like,
But We Do Them Anyway.
______________________________________________________________

The Moment You Realize You Must Pray
_______________________________

and how do you pray? to each man their own
but there are general trends. the Right words, body position-
the rules are not as important as focus. Look
to your core and open within, wish upon your might
that you want your love to reach, to exert energy
through true heart's will, to love and grasp
that idea in your mind, feel it,
accept it, but pray to that which is
Unknown, Please.


the agnostic girl prayed: "to whom it may concern. . . ."
_____________________________________

okay that's probably enough slam, shit got kinda serious......

Diet/Gym Fads

Okay guys, seriously, I know we all wanna Look Good but some of these gym/diet fads are whack, and really bad for you…

Atkins/South Beach- okay, whoever thought eating bacon all day was gonna make you skinny forever?. Ya, when you put your body into shock and take away a vital nutrition source, youre gonna drop weight quickly, but it is not healthy to trick your body like that. Also, when you lose sight of your diet for just a moment, you will gain twice the weight because your body has been conditioned to the unavailability. The less you eat carbs, the worse they are for you. But I assure you [as a Sicilian], carbs are good for you (in moderation obviously). Pasta has a low glycemic index and releases sugar into your bloodstream slowly, whereas things like corn syrup release quickly giving a sugar rush and diabetes. I tend to think if it’s a food we’ve been eating for hundreds maybe thousands of years, like bread and beer, it’s probably okay for your long-term health. For healthy diet choose your carbs wisely, but depriving your body is not good.

Diet Pills- Give yourself a heart attack and take years off your life, get fat once your off them. Speed will make anyone lose weight, at the cost of their life.

So those are the obvious, but there are a lot of things out there that people trust without looking into the actual nutrition involved, and whether the results are temporary or good for their long term health. Even a lot of the gym fads out there are not necessarily good long-term.

P90X/Insanity- It is genius in its design, in its ability to sculpt your body quickly and efficiently. It breaks down barriers of plateaus and constantly challenges your body, sculpting it with such definition that has never even really been seen before recent times. Back in the day, men had muscles but their burly bulk was more of a hunk than a sculpted washboard. Today we want to etch every line, needing visual proof that the muscle is there. However, it is really not good to push your heart that hard all the time. You will get results quickly but it is because you are inflicting anxiety on your body. Athleticism doesn’t come from killing yourself every day for a month, but slowly building so that strength is more permanent. The best way to judge athleticism is by how low your resting heart rate is, or how well your lungs absorb oxygen. Breaking it down further, the best thing for your long term health is taking a brisk walk every day.

What has being “in-shape” turned into? Appearance? Athleticism seems secondary in this sort of approach. The fact that people get muscular implants is a bit horrifying to me. Although that is an extreme example of that mindset at work, I think many people have forgotten the value of just being healthy. Unfortunately, it is representative of the value placed on appearance. Beauty has been turned into a mold. But beauty is more than a mold, beauty is more than appearance. Beauty is the gut feeling of the sublime when you embrace something not perfect. It has character, it has feeling. Health and athleticism is beautiful, no picture image could grasp that.

first days at Stony Brook University

I need to grow up.

I am currently enrolled in the English Master’s Program here at Stony Brook University in Long Island.

Rolling into the parking lot to pick up my new apartment keys, I stopped and asked a student in SeaWolves attire (school mascot) where I could find the main office. She bit her lip and gave me the “I’m sorry” shrug. As it turns out she had no idea what I was saying and did not even speak English. This was my first encounter with the multitude of international students here, and, man, there are a lot. The exposure is especially in-my-face because I live in graduate housing on-campus which largely accommodates internationals and most of the students from around here live off-campus. I headed to my dorm and set up my room, making sure to hang up my American flag. Next move was to grab a cigarette and a glass of vino and head to the courtyard. There was a group of guys celebrating so, naturally, I headed over and asked “Any of you boys got a light?” *smile. Ice-breaking by fire-lighting- it’s been good times ever since.

My first days here were casual and spent having a little fun but once my first paper was due shit got real serious. It was certainly a shock stepping into class for the first time feeling quite dumb amidst so many intellectuals. Living in Santa Cruz for two years certainly did not help my cause, but more than that I had never been in a setting where everyone in the class was so necessarily involved. My Liberal Arts undergrad work consisted of classes with varying ranges of knowledge on the particular subject; I had little experience with such in-depth discussion. The first day of Chaucer we jumped right into reading and speaking Old English and citing old-school literature and a whole lotta other crazy shit and uhhhhhhh *brainfart. Little did I know that the idea of farting would soon be useful, as Chaucer’s Canterbury Tales is a glorified compilation of crude dick and fart jokes (I have never seen the word “cunt” used so many times on one page = awesome. still the word still makes me just a tad uneasy no matter how many times I hear it). Though Chaucer gives me a chuckle, school is no joke and being surrounded by smartie-pantsies gave me second thoughts about my attendence for a moment. Just about everyone I know is constantly working. Realizing how much effort they put into study sorta slapped me in the face because I have always slid through classes without too much sweat. But now is not for play, now is for work.

My responsibilities need to come first, ain’t no one gonna hold my hand no more. Maybe it took too long to recognize I need to grow up or maybe not but either way it is gonna take practice and drive when I love so much to dilly-dally.

mood: chillen, thinkin of big things in a relaxin way with Jack johnson Donovan and G Love http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rK0LWsEcSjM

just another hippie-dippy

This past week I’ve felt like a crazy lady. My body is going through so many extreme changes (Lyme) and at points I have these intense bursts of energy. It just doesn’t even make any sense. I am loving it because I’ve been so tired and idle for the past 2 years, but, man, I don’t know what to do with myself. Normally I would smoke pot, but aside from my resin experience I haven’t smoked in two weeks- truly a record for me. Obviously I use the energy for school work- but to a degree my brain hasn’t quite caught up with my body. So I’ve been doing a lot of drinking and working out (God I love drinking. God I love working out). You’d think those two wouldn’t go hand in hand but they do for me? I feel like Ram Jam’s “Black Betty” is playing on repeat. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lMLnDuzgkjo Clearly I need to chill the fuck out but I haven’t figured out how yet. Anywho, it explains the burst of ridiculous writing that I hope to continue with a little more focus….

So, I found this tidbit of writing in a journal from 10th grade- it still holds truth:

So many times I have sat
And pondered, here, alone in my room.
So many times I have thought
And rethought my life;
What has been,
What could have been,
And what could be.
Searching though my consciousness,
Indulging into my unconscious
And trying to understand
What it’s all about.

I have always been a (very amateur) philosopher. I never studied it, but I tend to view the world in abstractions, in generalizations, in overlapping patterns. This is my biggest downfall, because of course we live in our reality, one in which has little room for such contemplations.

I may lose a lot of you here, but here I go—We all know that life has so many unknowns. No matter how much you think about something, it never means that you are anywhere near truth because everything is so intricate to a degree that, no matter how smart we get as humans, we could never come close to full understanding. Nonetheless, as humans are a curious crew, it is of our interest to explore ideas. Whether these ideas be as simple as wondering why bad things happen to good people, to trying to find your purpose in life, questioning God, the soul, what it means to be self-conscious, or, further, to wonder how everything fits together. Most people have some sort of feeling that everything is united in some way, but what does that even mean?

As a culture we are very good at reading things empirically, and we tend to decode our surroundings in that manner. There are all sorts of ways to view the world, and empiricism (science, a+b=c) is a very valid way of breaking things down. It is important to realize, however, it is not the only way. If you look at these alternative views you will find that, even empirically, they make sense. For example, a friend of mine practices Reiki. Reiki is Japanese style of healing that has been around, well, forever? It is based upon the idea that there is a life force, an energy that we cannot see- what many of us might call God. The healing does not stop at the physical level, but ascends to the emotional and spiritual level. A sick person is said to have low life force energy. A Reiki master is able to tap into this life energy force and direct it towards those in need. At this point you may be thinking I am a crazy hippie, and I understand where you are coming from. But so many people swear by it, I think I have felt it in my own personal experience (not that that means anything whatsoever), and furthermore there are tests that show decreased blood pressure, effects on the nervous system, etc. However these tests are by no means well-developed. Of coarse Reiki is still unproven because there is insufficient evidence, but I think that the fact it has been around for so long and many people swear by it, brings about the possibility that it works. In the same way we instinctively put our hands on our aches (ever put your hand on your stomach with a belly ache, or your hands on your head with headaches, and somehow –to a small degree obviously- it feels better), we are sending energy and- in scientific terms- you are literally directing blood flow through focus and touch to that area thus helping it heal. Just because we cannot explain this “life force energy” does it mean it doesn’t exist? Because maybe, just maybe, when humans evolve a little more or the advances in science will have a better way of measuring it, it could make sense.
Don’t believe me? That’s fine, I hope that you don’t (lest you are gullible) but what about all the evidence that acupuncture works? Acupuncture is certainly in the same category as Reiki (in this philosophical argument in that it is an alternative form of healing that for many years had no credit in the medical world, but also they are very similar in ideology), except that as of late we are learning how scientifically it works. Acupuncture is a originated from China a very long time ago. The treatments goal is to restore the balance of the universal energy Qi (sound familiar?). Illness is thought to be an imbalance of Qi (Qi “chi” is the natural energy forces). But instead of touching, the acupuncturist uses fine needles and places them strategically into specific points on the body, restoring the balance of yin and yang. Now, there is no evidence that the metaphysical concept of Qi, but how could there be? Not with today’s scientific tools. However, there is loads of evidence that acupuncture works more than 90% of the time. There is actual evidence that shows, that whatever your problem may be, there is hard scientific evidence that your problem decreases. People call it magic, but it is not magic at all. We just don’t know how to describe it. My acupuncturist is a MD who used to perform surgeries, etc. Again, my personal experience means nothing, but acupuncture is no longer a joke to the medical world. The correlations are clear.
Something does not work because we figured it out scientifically, it only helps ease our minds with proof. I’m not saying I believe any of this Reiki/Acupuncture energy beliefs. To be truthful- I don’t. I merely think that it is a possibility. My point is not to prove Reiki or Acupuncture at all, but to show the idea of what we don’t know or understand is still real and effecting us. We tend to accept or dismiss things as ultimatums, but if you want truth you must accept the idea of unknowns.

I suppose my first few entries were really just entertainment for whomever reads this, but what I realize is that I don’t need everybody to be interested- just people who have similar interests or just curious. Sometimes you just need to write things down or share with others just to validate it for yourself…. Not that I plan on being philosophical all the time, because drunken stories are fun, and fun is very important!