gluten-free

Been bread-free and nearly dairy-free for a few weeks now. Success!, on my way to a Paleo diet. But why does good news Feel So Sad? And Hungry? i feel like i'm breaking up with Pizza. Although i love Pizza, we just cant be together right now.  It pains me; I can't even bare to look at a pie. I already deleted all Pizza's speed-dial restaurants from my phone. I burned all the menus but my favorite one, and stashed it in my bottom desk drawer (underneath random paperwork and next to a photo of my party days). Even though i know i can't order, it makes me feel better to atleast have the number. it's like the ex-smokers who keep a spare pack, to prove their self restraint. Let me convince myself it is self-restraint (but i know it's for emergency cravings). But, Alas! For now, Pizza- Now you're just a food group that i used to know.........


Hehe. i had to......... This diet is for my Lyme or i'd be eating pizza right now.No processed sugar or much fruit, bread, or dairy... ideally, anway. i'm nowhere near there now but one step at a time. Chronic Lyme Exists, and it's damn hard to get rid of. atleast i have an excuse to switch to asian cuisine :)

Assorted Streams?

kinda sorts some streams-of-consciousness. just wrote what i felt. mainly about lyMe dis-ease

           Washed

It's like I'm seventeen nautical miles into
A twenty-two nautical mile race
The open ocean splashing my boat
Wind whipping up white caps
Blistered hands and bloody oars
Almost Empty but Almost There
Don't wanna get too excited and
Burn up my tank
Just maintian 3/4 power
No scale but my soul
I just gotta keep on pushin'
One stroke at a time.
I'll get there.


When I look in the mirror
                   I see the color coming back to my face.
______________________________________________________________

You know what makes me feel
     good?

That,
            underneath it all,

I'm wearing knee-high lime green wool socks.
_____________________________________________________

this one is about dementia caused from late-stage lyme disease, but more vaguely the addictive quality of bad habits:

              TICK

Fact: Clinging to what seems to be
                                            the only way.

There's no way out but in These habits are creeping,
Creeping and haunting Oh so subtly in the backdrop.

Because there are things about ourselves
                                       that we do not like,

But we do them anyway. Tendency
Toward the easy way out can be, well,
All too easy. And who's to blame? We are
Wired for comfort & if that's the way it is
Then that's the way it goes...
Besides, we've all got a lot on our minds.


Escape

      That
           Thing.
Compulsion. Grasping it. Loving it.
Wondering why We would want anything more,


Every once in a while
     We imagine and itch on the thick of our skins.
What is that itch?
______________________________________________________________

All I can do is all I can do
Is all I can do
Is
   all
       I
         can
               do.
What can I do?
_________________________________________________________________________

Because There Are Things About OurSelf
                                             We Do Not Like,
But We Do Them Anyway.
______________________________________________________________

The Moment You Realize You Must Pray
_______________________________

and how do you pray? to each man their own
but there are general trends. the Right words, body position-
the rules are not as important as focus. Look
to your core and open within, wish upon your might
that you want your love to reach, to exert energy
through true heart's will, to love and grasp
that idea in your mind, feel it,
accept it, but pray to that which is
Unknown, Please.


the agnostic girl prayed: "to whom it may concern. . . ."
_____________________________________

okay that's probably enough slam, shit got kinda serious......

A New Blog? Go Away, Lymin

I made a blog! I’m no stickler for grammar or punctuation but more concerned with ideas and the flow of words. My inspiration to start a blog? I’ve been silent for 8 months unable to communicate. I need to express myself for my own sake and maybe I can be helpful (or at least amusing) to others.

I know what it feels like to lose my mind. A place where memories fade and thoughts slip away as soon as you conceive them. Chronic Lyme Disease has infected my world. During these times I feel like a helpless child lost in an unfamiliar town, trying desperately to retrace my steps but find myself stumbling through dark alleys. I’m lost in my own head. Recollection is like shuffling through a room of unorganized files looking for one specific piece of paper. I get distracted or frustrated and almost never reach my goal. It strips you of everything you love because all you know is this vegetable state of mind. (the best way to describe it is Alzheimer’s, and people with lyme disease are frequently misdiagnosed as such.)

Almost all the way through my recovery and my brain has only just started to work again. I am feeling better and the fatigue is lifting. However, in this more conscious state of mind pain has a whole new meaning. I can feel the rheumatoid arthritis come in bouts where my knees and back will feel like grinding metal. The muscle aches are a fuzzy pain throughout my body that makes every movement feel like I have just run a marathon and pushed too hard. There are literally hundreds of symptoms, from anxiety to vision/hearing impairments or having bags under my eyes. The worst are the intracranial pressure (a different kind of headache) which make my head throb for a week to months at a time. The pain from this is intense and a constant distraction.

I have had to fight for my life since I was 8. There is not much information on Lyme Disease, and even most MDs are very unaware of the condition or how it works.  This is why I was not diagnosed or treated until I was 10. By that time the bacteria had exponentially multiplied and completely took over my body and I was severely ill. What I didn’t know was that treatment would make my symptoms worse and the antibiotic medication would have adverse effects that are as bad as the disease. But the only other option was dying, so I took it. I picture a war between antibiotic and lyme bacteria, and if either is winning my body is worn out. Lyme disease stole a large portion of my childhood. Age 8 to 14 I do not remember. I did not learn much during those years and did not retain facts or social skills. In my heart that place holds a lost little girl in pain and believing that was who I was, that was my existence. In the recovery years ages 14 to 17, I went from being extremely slow to being moved up to AP courses and athletic. When the disease went into remission the first time, life became so easy and I floated through. All of a sudden I was smart when I had thought for so long I was dumb. It was a very strange experience but I was very grateful in the end.

I am so thankful to finally be able to form thoughts and communicate again. Lyme disease makes me mentally and physically slow so I have immense trouble taking care of my responsibilities and can’t be social the way I’d like to. Emotionally it has been extremely difficult, especially when I know the world will give me no slack. I am currently surrounded by people who do not know me as anything but what I am now. I do not have Lyme written all over my face like other diseases, and people do not see how sick I really am. 

The disease is strange and the severity frequently changes. It is so strange that it’s hard to explain (especially since I have a neurological disorder) and I find myself arguing with the world. I don’t want to do that anymore and I want to be in a place where I don’t care, but it hurts when people think I am being lazy or weird. It’s impossible to ask the world to be understanding when we live in a society where if you are not productive you are not valuable. But there are people in this world with real issues and many of them are ignored. I do not blame people and I do not want to come across as negative. I simply would like to educate others about a condition that is brushed under the rug and hidden. Lyme is constantly and purposely ignored by health care companies- but that is another political discussion best addressed by the documentary film Under Our Skin. Being given a disease also has taught me so much and given me a different perspective- but that is also another discussion for another day.

I have been sick for a year and a half and will be healthy again in 4 months if recovery stays on track. So excited :) !

 Future blogs will be more lighthearted, I promise!